Moo

This is what my supervisor is wearing to work today (note that this is picture is *not* a photo of my actual supervisor).

The first thing i said to her when i walked in this morning is "You are a cow!"

Oh sweet, sweet irony.

**no cows were harmed in the making of this post**

Shiny happy people

I hate happy people.

Yeah, I went there. I just got an email from a friend with pictures of her new baby. A year and half ago, she was a bitter, single gal like myself. Since then, she met a man, got engaged, got married, got pregnant and had a baby. I haven't even gotten laid in that time frame. Seriously, I was pondering this the other day and I figured out that I have spent more time being single and celibate than I have spent being in a relationship (and allegedly having sex). I actually can’t remember the last time I had sex—I think it was in Oct 2007 but I’m not sure. Does that mean I am a born again virgin? I tell you, a junior tampon would probably send me over the edge right about now. But I digress…

So yeah, back to hating happy people. It seems I am the last one standing in my group of friends to be happily entwined. My other last, single, bitter friend went on eHarmony, met a man, bought a house and is now engaged. I tried eHarmony--all I got were farmers who study the Bible in their spare time and play with their trains. I wish that was a euphemism for something other than actually playing with small, metallic objects, but no. One match, when asked how he likes to spend his leisure time, had this to say (spelling mistakes left as is):

During my leisure time I work on my physical appearence so that I can always be ready when the lucky women steps into my life.


I must have been very, very bad to someone in a past life. That's the only explanation i can come up with.

Think of the starving children...

I am the biggest food waster. I am constantly throwing out food--or not throwing it out in some cases. I have a container of yogurt in my fridge that expired Oct 22. Yesterday i threw out about a pound and a half of fruit salad that was given to me at one of my jobs. It had actually fermented. I considered drinking it, but it was too rank even for me. I'm just kidding, i don't drink anymore. I used up my entire lifetime allotment of alcohol by the time i was about 22. Trust me, you do NOT want me to touch anything containing booze.

For the past 3 nights i've had the same "dinner". A sandwich with Buddig sliced meat, and ketchup chips. A real blast from my past. It's funny how some foods retain such powerful memories. When i was about 13, my mom would get me a bag of ketchup chips as a special treat after going to the orthodontist (yeah i know, pretty lame treat, lol). I was in gymnastics then, and kept on a pretty tight leash as far as diet went. Eating something like chips was a small rebellion, and my mom was my partner in crime. It was just the two of us on those appointments and in a small way, it was like a secret we shared. I was also in track, a sprinter and long jumper. When i was at meets, my mom would pack me a lunch with my favorite, a (Buddig) corned beef sandwich. I used to count how many slices of meat she put in my sandwich--each layer meaning more love. A seven slice sandwich was a good day. Today, i put a whole package in a sandwich ( a whole 65 grams!), but my mom can still make one last for 2 or 3 sandwichs. I certainly don't think that means i am more loving than my mom. More like i'm just a pig.

Snort.

Blame it on the woofer

My upstairs neighbours suck, in general. For the past week the sound levels have been really obnoxious. Not even music, but the roar of a surround sound system being cranked to the fullest. It literally sounds like thunder in my apartment, and when they watch tv, i can almost hear the words being said.
I took a risk and went upstairs to tell them turn it down a few decibels. The last time i went up and asked them to bring down the volume to the level of a jet engine, the fat fuck female slammed the door in my face. Things went better this time, cause it was her Jack Sprat boyfriend and his dweeb friend playing VIDEO GAMES. They were quite apologetic and said they would turn things down. We'll see. Now if only i could get them to stop pacing on their squeaky bedroom floor at 4am, all would be good. And hey, they haven't done any nailing (the building kind, not the sex kind) at 2:30am anymore, since i wrote them a letter and asked them not to. But seriously, WTF is wrong with people that i have to ask them not to hammer a nail in their bedroom in the middle of the night?

Gymjuries

Lunges are fun.

Ouch

I just got my ass handed to me at the gym.

A year ago i spent $1200 for 24 personal training sessions. My trainer called last week and told me that the gym is being taken over, and they are cancelling all outstanding personal training sessions that haven't been used within one year of purchase. Apparently i still have 12 sessions left ($600!) and my time expired in October. My trainer (bless him, the little leprechaun) told his boss that i had been injured and unable to come to the gym, so as long as i bring in a doctors note (!) they will consider allowing me an extension. I have a shrink appointment Dec 1 and i think she will write me a note (although i'm not sure whether a 'psychiatric' injury will fly). In the meantime my trainer suggested we use up as many sessions as we can before the kibosh comes.

Hence, my ass on a platter. Of course, me being me, i had to find a way to make things interesting. I wiped out while doing a push-up. OK, so i was on an incline, but my arms just gave out on me. In any case, i face planted--literally. Face hit mat. I've never seen my trainer move so fast, and believe me, the guy is spry. All i wounded was my pride, unless you include my shoulder, which now has a lovely faux sunburn glow from crashing to the floor. I'll also be incubating a large bruise on my knee for the next few days. Apparently i am incapable of doing a lunge without smashing my leg into the floor. Sigh. Exercise is good for you!

And i hate cabbies. 'Nuff said.

Online Catch O' the Day

Ok, so i do online dating. For 15 years or so. Of the past 12 years, i've only had one 'met in the real world' relationship, and that didn't turn out so well obviously. Don't get me wrong, i've met a lot of really nice guys, and had emails from many, many more wankers. Case in point (and this is an actual true email i received in the past week).

Subject: ...too bad

Hi,I make a lot of money but only date athletic women...that is too bad because you are somewhat attractive.

Now, call me crazy, but WTF kind of email is that????

This is from a guy who has this to say in his profile:

I am interested in meeting that something special who, over time, will become my best friend. I do not have any particular ideal in mind right now...but when the bait is right I will bite.

I'm so glad i don't have the stuff to be "that special something" you're looking for. And the thought of you biting anything makes my gorge rise.

Onward and ?

Welcome to my blog!

Here you will find...all sorts of stuff. My thoughts. My rants. My tales of woe.

Hope you enjoy my misery.

J.J.